This past year has been exciting because we just went to 3 weddings, back to back! It's hard not to reminisce on the days leading up to our own wedding day. As we approached March 3, we would often hear marriage advice...mostly focusing on the negative aspects of being married. There were statements made such as, "After the newlywed season, it will get harder. Trust me." or "Don't forget, you're going to married to a sinner!" Kevin and I were warned so often that we really thought marriage would be a tough thing to deal with. I thought there would be a lot of fights, screaming at each other and tears streaming down our faces. I thought there would be days where we would question if getting married was right in the first place. I thought that I would look with longing back at the days before I got married...and 3.5 years later, we look at each other baffled and both agree...
Marriage really isn't THAT hard.
When we tell other couples that, they usually raise their eyebrows or say something along the lines of, "Just you wait, it will get there." Kevin even said that before we got together, he would hear all the negative aspects so much that he would wonder, "Why would I want to get married, if all I have to look forward to is difficulty?"
I mean, on one hand, I think that those warnings are warranted (and given with good intentions!) A lot of couples aren't ready for the tough times ahead. They think that once they say "I do" that they will live their happily ever afters and prance into the sunset. And that's just not the case. Marriage does take hard work. And if the couple is not like-minded, if the couple doesn't communicate well, or if there are trust issues, then I can see why couples will look back at their days of singleness with longing. Or even worse, they might turn to separation or divorce. I actually appreciate transparency so when a married couple opens up about how difficult certain struggles are, I listen and take heed. But it's when married couples ONLY focus on the negative aspects of marriage, that I end up leaving with a nasty taste in my mouth. There's a difference between reminding the newlywed or engaged couple about the good and bad times ahead, and just telling them about the hardships to look forward to...
I can honestly say it is by the grace of God that Kevin and I have a peaceful marriage. We are like-minded and have the same values. Even our communication style is similar...we talk and hash things out. When we are mad, we are both silent and that is a cue for the other person to sit still and wait until thoughts and carefully chosen words are spoken. It helps that we have also known each other since we were 14 years-old, and have seen each other at our best and at our worst. We actually fought more in our friendship and our dating seasons than in our marriage! I mean, don't get me wrong, we have our good and bad days too. I already know Kevin's triggers for not acting like his normal, happy self. If he hasn't gotten enough sleep, or he's really hungry, I need to understand that it is not the time to have a heart-to-heart or ask him to help me with something. And if I am being emotionally crazy, he knows sometimes he just needs to hold me and say comforting words. We are FAR from perfect. We both still can improve in our relationships toward each other and toward our God.
Our pastor Mark likes to say that when you're married to someone else, the happiest moments are even happier and the saddest moments are extra low. I think that's true. I like to point out that every day AFTER my wedding day has been happier than the wedding day itself, because the focus is the marriage and not just that one day. It's the simple things which hold special places in my heart, like the daily routine we've created or the busy Sundays we look forward to. During the saddest moments of our lives, like when our daughter was born 3 months early, then stayed in the hospital for 88 days before we got to take her home, or when our dog died, it helped to have Kevin holding me and comforting me.
Every Sunday morning we spend time with our Uncle John and Auntie Susie. I always say that this is my favorite couple of all time because...well, they're just great. If you ever meet them, you'll understand. They're a recurring couple in my blog! They've been happily married for 25 years. John is a pastor and Susie is a speech therapist who used to be a kindergarten teacher. Living with them are some college-aged siblings who often tell us, "John and Susie never fight. They are always so kind to each other!" And Susie later told me, "Actually, they were there one time when we were fighting...But they didn't realize it was a fight!" Kevin and I want to be like them. Uncle John shares a lot of characteristics with Kevin, such as their interest in reading theology, collecting old vintage books and Roman coins. Susie and I are both very social and like to affirm each other with our words and smiles, and enjoy helping children with special needs. Gosh, if God were to fashion Kevin and me to become more like this couple, well, that would be an answered prayer!
Uncle John was our officiant at our wedding, and we also did premarital counseling with them. I was venting to Uncle John about this topic recently. I said, "Uncle John, everyone who is older and married always say negative things about marriage! How it's so hard to be married to one another, how they fight a lot, how much they have to sacrifice...Why would couples act like that to one another?"
Uncle John nodded and scrunched his eyebrows together, and grabbed Auntie Susie's hand, "Love...they're asking me about our marriage. Well, it does take some transitioning. For instance, I am a very on-the-clock kind of guy. I like things on time. Susie, on the other hand, is very relational. If there is a person on the way out, she will stop and talk to them and ask them how they are doing. I've had to understand that is a part of her character. It will take change. But...I agree with you. We don't fight often. Of course, we aren't perfect. But...if I take such good care of my vintage Roman coins, then how much more precious should I treat my own wife?"
Enter Auntie Susie, who is beaming with her usual happiness, "Marriage is SUCH a joy! I am just so thankful that God gave us this marriage!"
Ah, this couple. Now that's what I'm talking about! I can only pray that Kevin and I can look at each other with such compassion and love when we are older!
Marriage really isn't THAT hard.
When we tell other couples that, they usually raise their eyebrows or say something along the lines of, "Just you wait, it will get there." Kevin even said that before we got together, he would hear all the negative aspects so much that he would wonder, "Why would I want to get married, if all I have to look forward to is difficulty?"
I mean, on one hand, I think that those warnings are warranted (and given with good intentions!) A lot of couples aren't ready for the tough times ahead. They think that once they say "I do" that they will live their happily ever afters and prance into the sunset. And that's just not the case. Marriage does take hard work. And if the couple is not like-minded, if the couple doesn't communicate well, or if there are trust issues, then I can see why couples will look back at their days of singleness with longing. Or even worse, they might turn to separation or divorce. I actually appreciate transparency so when a married couple opens up about how difficult certain struggles are, I listen and take heed. But it's when married couples ONLY focus on the negative aspects of marriage, that I end up leaving with a nasty taste in my mouth. There's a difference between reminding the newlywed or engaged couple about the good and bad times ahead, and just telling them about the hardships to look forward to...
I can honestly say it is by the grace of God that Kevin and I have a peaceful marriage. We are like-minded and have the same values. Even our communication style is similar...we talk and hash things out. When we are mad, we are both silent and that is a cue for the other person to sit still and wait until thoughts and carefully chosen words are spoken. It helps that we have also known each other since we were 14 years-old, and have seen each other at our best and at our worst. We actually fought more in our friendship and our dating seasons than in our marriage! I mean, don't get me wrong, we have our good and bad days too. I already know Kevin's triggers for not acting like his normal, happy self. If he hasn't gotten enough sleep, or he's really hungry, I need to understand that it is not the time to have a heart-to-heart or ask him to help me with something. And if I am being emotionally crazy, he knows sometimes he just needs to hold me and say comforting words. We are FAR from perfect. We both still can improve in our relationships toward each other and toward our God.
Our pastor Mark likes to say that when you're married to someone else, the happiest moments are even happier and the saddest moments are extra low. I think that's true. I like to point out that every day AFTER my wedding day has been happier than the wedding day itself, because the focus is the marriage and not just that one day. It's the simple things which hold special places in my heart, like the daily routine we've created or the busy Sundays we look forward to. During the saddest moments of our lives, like when our daughter was born 3 months early, then stayed in the hospital for 88 days before we got to take her home, or when our dog died, it helped to have Kevin holding me and comforting me.
Every Sunday morning we spend time with our Uncle John and Auntie Susie. I always say that this is my favorite couple of all time because...well, they're just great. If you ever meet them, you'll understand. They're a recurring couple in my blog! They've been happily married for 25 years. John is a pastor and Susie is a speech therapist who used to be a kindergarten teacher. Living with them are some college-aged siblings who often tell us, "John and Susie never fight. They are always so kind to each other!" And Susie later told me, "Actually, they were there one time when we were fighting...But they didn't realize it was a fight!" Kevin and I want to be like them. Uncle John shares a lot of characteristics with Kevin, such as their interest in reading theology, collecting old vintage books and Roman coins. Susie and I are both very social and like to affirm each other with our words and smiles, and enjoy helping children with special needs. Gosh, if God were to fashion Kevin and me to become more like this couple, well, that would be an answered prayer!
Uncle John was our officiant at our wedding, and we also did premarital counseling with them. I was venting to Uncle John about this topic recently. I said, "Uncle John, everyone who is older and married always say negative things about marriage! How it's so hard to be married to one another, how they fight a lot, how much they have to sacrifice...Why would couples act like that to one another?"
Uncle John nodded and scrunched his eyebrows together, and grabbed Auntie Susie's hand, "Love...they're asking me about our marriage. Well, it does take some transitioning. For instance, I am a very on-the-clock kind of guy. I like things on time. Susie, on the other hand, is very relational. If there is a person on the way out, she will stop and talk to them and ask them how they are doing. I've had to understand that is a part of her character. It will take change. But...I agree with you. We don't fight often. Of course, we aren't perfect. But...if I take such good care of my vintage Roman coins, then how much more precious should I treat my own wife?"
Enter Auntie Susie, who is beaming with her usual happiness, "Marriage is SUCH a joy! I am just so thankful that God gave us this marriage!"
Ah, this couple. Now that's what I'm talking about! I can only pray that Kevin and I can look at each other with such compassion and love when we are older!
With that being said, marriage is NOT what I expected...
It's better.
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