What hurts the most, is watching your kid hurt, and not being able to do anything about it.
In the past month, Evangeline has been to the ER twice. Also in the past month, Evangeline choked on food (once at church, and another during a playdate) and I had to administer the Heimlich maneuver TWICE. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that her being a preemie has such long term consequences and that it can still keep affecting her until she grows old. Since she was born early, her immunity is weaker than most typical children. Additionally she was born with a feeding intolerance, so her transition to eating solids has been a struggle. And to this day she still can't eat certain foods because she's not ready (the two foods she choked on were mangoes and bananas, fruits that she's had plenty of experience eating in the past!)
Sometimes I feel like I can't handle this type of stress. I've been asked what its like to do the Heimlich on Evangeline, and honestly I don't even know what goes on in my mind. It's like time slows down, I see her face and how she's can't breathe. Then I do whatever it takes to flip her over and start smacking her back until the food comes out (the first time it came straight out onto the ground, and the second time my friend swiped it out) It's magic to my ears once I can hear that sharp intake of breath and then (Hallelujah!) a VERY loud and sharp cry. Of course Evangeline would be crying right after-- she was terrified of choking and not being able to breathe. Of course she can sense Mommy being stressed out. And of course she was freaking out I was dangling her downward with her face toward the floor! As she cries I just hold her and try to distract her to make her feel better. "It's ok, baby. You're ok now." And "Do you want to drink water? It will make you feel better!" I have to be calm and talk to her in a sweet, neutral tone of voice. But really? I want to cry too. I want to cry and hold her and I ask God why He would make her go through this after all she's ALREADY been through.
Guilt is very real within the mom of a preemie. Did I do something to deserve this? How long will she be affected by this condition? Why can't I be the one going through this, so she doesn't have to? Why are there so many women who have good pregnancies and healthy children, when they treat their own kids like crap?
I wish I could always take away Evangeline's pain and hardships and health problems. I wish I could meet with God and strike some sort of deal so that Evangeline can live a healthy life and I can be the one to be having a tough time.
For the time being though, I just need to rely on God to give me strength as I raise her. Yes, Evangeline has special needs. But that doesn't define her. She's Evangeline, my silly, goofy, sweet girl, who just so happens to have a hard time eating, and who gets sick more easily than the next kid. I love her just the way she is. I pray that she grows up physically healthy as well as spiritually healthy. It really puts a spin on God sending down His only Son to bear our punishments...as a parent, I can't even imagine why He would ever do such a thing. It also is special to know that as children of God we can cast our anxieties on Him because He cares (1 Peter)...If I care this much about Evangeline, to the point where it hurts, how much more the One who gave us all life? It's a very sobering and humbling reality that He loves us much more than we can imagine. God is good all the time...even when my baby is in the hospital.
In the past month, Evangeline has been to the ER twice. Also in the past month, Evangeline choked on food (once at church, and another during a playdate) and I had to administer the Heimlich maneuver TWICE. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that her being a preemie has such long term consequences and that it can still keep affecting her until she grows old. Since she was born early, her immunity is weaker than most typical children. Additionally she was born with a feeding intolerance, so her transition to eating solids has been a struggle. And to this day she still can't eat certain foods because she's not ready (the two foods she choked on were mangoes and bananas, fruits that she's had plenty of experience eating in the past!)
Sometimes I feel like I can't handle this type of stress. I've been asked what its like to do the Heimlich on Evangeline, and honestly I don't even know what goes on in my mind. It's like time slows down, I see her face and how she's can't breathe. Then I do whatever it takes to flip her over and start smacking her back until the food comes out (the first time it came straight out onto the ground, and the second time my friend swiped it out) It's magic to my ears once I can hear that sharp intake of breath and then (Hallelujah!) a VERY loud and sharp cry. Of course Evangeline would be crying right after-- she was terrified of choking and not being able to breathe. Of course she can sense Mommy being stressed out. And of course she was freaking out I was dangling her downward with her face toward the floor! As she cries I just hold her and try to distract her to make her feel better. "It's ok, baby. You're ok now." And "Do you want to drink water? It will make you feel better!" I have to be calm and talk to her in a sweet, neutral tone of voice. But really? I want to cry too. I want to cry and hold her and I ask God why He would make her go through this after all she's ALREADY been through.
Guilt is very real within the mom of a preemie. Did I do something to deserve this? How long will she be affected by this condition? Why can't I be the one going through this, so she doesn't have to? Why are there so many women who have good pregnancies and healthy children, when they treat their own kids like crap?
I wish I could always take away Evangeline's pain and hardships and health problems. I wish I could meet with God and strike some sort of deal so that Evangeline can live a healthy life and I can be the one to be having a tough time.
For the time being though, I just need to rely on God to give me strength as I raise her. Yes, Evangeline has special needs. But that doesn't define her. She's Evangeline, my silly, goofy, sweet girl, who just so happens to have a hard time eating, and who gets sick more easily than the next kid. I love her just the way she is. I pray that she grows up physically healthy as well as spiritually healthy. It really puts a spin on God sending down His only Son to bear our punishments...as a parent, I can't even imagine why He would ever do such a thing. It also is special to know that as children of God we can cast our anxieties on Him because He cares (1 Peter)...If I care this much about Evangeline, to the point where it hurts, how much more the One who gave us all life? It's a very sobering and humbling reality that He loves us much more than we can imagine. God is good all the time...even when my baby is in the hospital.
Poor baby, this was after she got diagnosed with beginning stages of pneumonia a few weeks go. They gave her a shot of rocephin and then she was on antibiotics for 10 days, along with Motrin.
And this was us last night...she was sad we were there. Her neck was swollen and red and itchy. Thankfully her airways were clear. We were sent home with orders to keep administering children's Benadryl and prednisolone.
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