I've debated for months about whether or not to post this... Why? Because it's personal, and tough, and I just hated admitting my struggles and failures. I really wrestled with frustration, anger, depression, sadness, and my trust in the Lord. Thankfully, the Lord provided many godly people to give me perspective and turn to Him even when all seemed hopeless...He provided me with His encouragement and commands in the Word and also calms me down as I go to Him in prayer. God is so good.
I wrote it back in August of 2013 when I was diagnosed (right before my 25th birthday!) I've finally decided to post it on this blog because maybe, just maybe, it will encourage someone going through the same thing or at least give another "cyster" perspective that they are not alone in their journey. So, here it is, an entry I wrote a little over 6 months ago:
When I was first aware of PCOS and the fact that I may have it, one of the first things I did was search for PCOS blogs and testimonies. And to be quite honest, most of the blogs out there can be very depressing and discouraging. Why? Because PCOS is tough to deal with! I know that half the time I'm depressed and discouraged! But it's important to remember that God is sovereign and is in control of even the worst circumstances in a believer's life.
One way I've been encouraged is through the Scriptures and reading about barren women and how God blesses their wombs. The women whom I've read about mostly regarding infertility are Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth. They were all older women who were very distraught over their inability to bear children, and when all seemed hopeless, God granted them their prayer requests! He even says to Sarah, who laughed when she found out she would be pregnant with a son, "Is anything too difficult for the LORD?" (Genesis 18:4) Additionally, the angel Gabriel shows up to Mary and informs her of her upcoming virgin birth to Jesus. He shares that her relative Elizabeth is pregnant even in her old age, declaring "For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). And last but not least, there is a recurring theme of these women turning to God and the Lord remembering them and granting them their desires! It literally says, "And the Lord remembered her." Here I am, a sinful type-A personality worry wart, and these verses just minister to my soul that God is in control and that if God wanted me pregnant, then I'd get pregnant even if everything seems hopeless. God knows what He's doing, and of course His plans are way better than mine! I really pray and hope the Lord remembers me.
What started out as a curse for me has become a blessing in many ways. Here are a few ways that I've come to appreciate this trial:
1. I have come to empathize with people struggling with infertility because I, too, am put in a situation where I can understand their pain. When my OBGYN told me, "You can go ahead and try to get pregnant naturally...it happens sometimes...but really, it is very unlikely and you should go on fertility meds" I was very discouraged and sad. I was hoping I'd be one of those uber-fertile women who got pregnant as a "surprise" within the first few years of marriage. Boy, was I wrong. This is NOT what I signed up for. God obviously had other plans. I read about these barren women of the Bible and my heart is sad and joyful at the same time, seeing God's work. To be barren for DECADES, in a society and time period that was very harsh with women who could not deliver children must have been so painful. To imagine the joy, relief, shock, disbelief, amazement and bliss that these couples went through is very overwhelming. I can only pray that hopefully it is God's will for us to get pregnant too. I've met a few couples also who have had infertility issues and they have really been a blessing and encouragement to me too, and it puts a new spin on comforting others with the comfort God has given you (2 Corinthians 1: 3-4). It's encouraging to hear about the ways that God answered their prayers and to really just cling to their words of affirmation and sympathy.
2. I am realizing how much I need to grow in trust and faith in God....I hate being helpless. I hate crying out and being vulnerable and not being in control. I want to plan when I will have my first child, and I want to know that everything will be alright, but I can't know. Because my body is messed up with this syndrome. Even if I do get pregnant, my body might not be able to sustain the baby. I've wrestled with God and been stubborn and angry and frustrated and in denial. Slowly but surely though, God draws me closer to Him, and I've found comfort in Him in a way that I can't find comfort in anyone else, and I just find solace crying out to my Creator who truly loves me just the way I am. This comfort is amazing, to know that I am under His love and protection and that I can cast all my anxieties on Him because He cares (1 Peter 5:7). I cannot waste this opportunity to grow in my Lord! Every trial is for a reason and it is for me to mature and become more Christ-like, so I must take joy in it (James 1:2-3). I'm still a work in progress. But let me tell you, I'm at a place in my walk where I am just so aware of God's love for me. I pray more than I ever did before, and I believe it's because God wants me to rely on Him and fall in love with Him more and more. Am I able to sacrifice the one thing I want the most if God calls me to? Will I be like Abraham? If I can't do that as a married woman without children, then odds are, I will idolize my children once I do have them and ignore God. More recently, I've prayed that if that's the case, and God knows my heart better than I do...then maybe it's best for me not to have children. And that hurts to say, but I don't want my sin to get in the way of what really matters in this lifetime. All glory to God, even if it's hard for me to give it to Him because of my sinfulness. Even as I type that out, I can feel my heart beat faster and notice how I clench my teeth and how my eyes water. I just can't believe I want something so bad it's hard to give it up. No wonder God won't give me this desire! God continually forgives me for my failures...There's no better way to put it: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26).
3. I have learned how to be disciplined in food & exercise. This one is actually a pretty big deal if anyone knows me and my story. I didn't learn how to cook until I was married! Poor Kevin! But going from never exercising to faithfully going to the gym 2-3 times a week has been a major lifestyle modification for us! And amazingly, I love it! Kevin goes and does weights and I spend an hour doing zumba. The first twenty minutes is always the hardest, with me breathing hard and getting lightheaded as I jump up and down and do the cha-cha...but after I push through that, it feels so good I don't ever want it to stop! Those feel-good chemicals really do a lot to boost my enthusiasm for exercise! Kev and I have been eating organic chicken and wild salmon as our usual proteins. We integrate a lot of vegetables and fruits. And when we eat out, we are usually limited to: sushi, Panera Bread, Corner Bakery, or Chipotle. It's unfortunate that eating healthy costs a lot more but it's worth it in the long run, honestly. I have PCOS and Kevin has high cholesterol so we need to fix it while we're young! We actually just purchased a $29 groupon deal for 15 Crossfit classes so hopefully in the next month and a half we can lose more weight since we will be involved with that. I was also looking into more weight management meal plans for PCOS and the most popular ones I've learned about are a Low-GI diet and a Low-Amylose diet. I may try the Low-Amylose diet soon...but it's kinda overwhelming because I went from eating super unhealthy to now very limited choices. I wish that exercise fixed everything but eating and buying groceries and making sure they don't spoil is kind of a hassle!
In the end, God is good and loving and faithful. And He remembers His people and listens to their prayers. I read about the Persistent Widow in Luke 18 and have been very persistent in praying for a future little Leigh or Kevin Jr. and hope that God will grant me that request and plea. More recently though, I have also meant it when I say, "Even if you don't...that's okay...whatever You want." Kevin and I have been talking about doing a short-term missions trip to Mexico next summer too! And of course, there is the wonderful world of adoption! We'll see what God does these next few years...
PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It is a female
hormonal imbalance that is mainly hereditary, though that does not apply
to me because I am the only one in my family with PCOS. The ovaries
produce too many androgens (male hormones like testosterone and DHEA
sulfate) which ultimately leads to an imbalance between the Luteinizing
Hormone (LH) and the Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) in a woman's
body. This prevents ovulation, which is basically the releasing of an egg. In simple terms,
the egg never matures enough to be released out of the ovary, so it is
stuck in a sac called a follicle, and later becomes a fluid filled cyst. Here
are a few of the symptoms a woman with PCOS may have: ovarian cysts (it
kinda looks like a string of pearls), irregular or absent periods,
weight gain (especially around the belly), insulin resistance, acne,
balding, hirsutism (growth of hair on the face, chest, back, etc.),
deepening voice, and last but not least, problems getting pregnant (infertility).
Since there are so many symptoms, you can put five different women with
PCOS together and they can have completely different symptoms!
I wrote it back in August of 2013 when I was diagnosed (right before my 25th birthday!) I've finally decided to post it on this blog because maybe, just maybe, it will encourage someone going through the same thing or at least give another "cyster" perspective that they are not alone in their journey. So, here it is, an entry I wrote a little over 6 months ago:
When I was first aware of PCOS and the fact that I may have it, one of the first things I did was search for PCOS blogs and testimonies. And to be quite honest, most of the blogs out there can be very depressing and discouraging. Why? Because PCOS is tough to deal with! I know that half the time I'm depressed and discouraged! But it's important to remember that God is sovereign and is in control of even the worst circumstances in a believer's life.
One way I've been encouraged is through the Scriptures and reading about barren women and how God blesses their wombs. The women whom I've read about mostly regarding infertility are Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth. They were all older women who were very distraught over their inability to bear children, and when all seemed hopeless, God granted them their prayer requests! He even says to Sarah, who laughed when she found out she would be pregnant with a son, "Is anything too difficult for the LORD?" (Genesis 18:4) Additionally, the angel Gabriel shows up to Mary and informs her of her upcoming virgin birth to Jesus. He shares that her relative Elizabeth is pregnant even in her old age, declaring "For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). And last but not least, there is a recurring theme of these women turning to God and the Lord remembering them and granting them their desires! It literally says, "And the Lord remembered her." Here I am, a sinful type-A personality worry wart, and these verses just minister to my soul that God is in control and that if God wanted me pregnant, then I'd get pregnant even if everything seems hopeless. God knows what He's doing, and of course His plans are way better than mine! I really pray and hope the Lord remembers me.
What started out as a curse for me has become a blessing in many ways. Here are a few ways that I've come to appreciate this trial:
1. I have come to empathize with people struggling with infertility because I, too, am put in a situation where I can understand their pain. When my OBGYN told me, "You can go ahead and try to get pregnant naturally...it happens sometimes...but really, it is very unlikely and you should go on fertility meds" I was very discouraged and sad. I was hoping I'd be one of those uber-fertile women who got pregnant as a "surprise" within the first few years of marriage. Boy, was I wrong. This is NOT what I signed up for. God obviously had other plans. I read about these barren women of the Bible and my heart is sad and joyful at the same time, seeing God's work. To be barren for DECADES, in a society and time period that was very harsh with women who could not deliver children must have been so painful. To imagine the joy, relief, shock, disbelief, amazement and bliss that these couples went through is very overwhelming. I can only pray that hopefully it is God's will for us to get pregnant too. I've met a few couples also who have had infertility issues and they have really been a blessing and encouragement to me too, and it puts a new spin on comforting others with the comfort God has given you (2 Corinthians 1: 3-4). It's encouraging to hear about the ways that God answered their prayers and to really just cling to their words of affirmation and sympathy.
2. I am realizing how much I need to grow in trust and faith in God....I hate being helpless. I hate crying out and being vulnerable and not being in control. I want to plan when I will have my first child, and I want to know that everything will be alright, but I can't know. Because my body is messed up with this syndrome. Even if I do get pregnant, my body might not be able to sustain the baby. I've wrestled with God and been stubborn and angry and frustrated and in denial. Slowly but surely though, God draws me closer to Him, and I've found comfort in Him in a way that I can't find comfort in anyone else, and I just find solace crying out to my Creator who truly loves me just the way I am. This comfort is amazing, to know that I am under His love and protection and that I can cast all my anxieties on Him because He cares (1 Peter 5:7). I cannot waste this opportunity to grow in my Lord! Every trial is for a reason and it is for me to mature and become more Christ-like, so I must take joy in it (James 1:2-3). I'm still a work in progress. But let me tell you, I'm at a place in my walk where I am just so aware of God's love for me. I pray more than I ever did before, and I believe it's because God wants me to rely on Him and fall in love with Him more and more. Am I able to sacrifice the one thing I want the most if God calls me to? Will I be like Abraham? If I can't do that as a married woman without children, then odds are, I will idolize my children once I do have them and ignore God. More recently, I've prayed that if that's the case, and God knows my heart better than I do...then maybe it's best for me not to have children. And that hurts to say, but I don't want my sin to get in the way of what really matters in this lifetime. All glory to God, even if it's hard for me to give it to Him because of my sinfulness. Even as I type that out, I can feel my heart beat faster and notice how I clench my teeth and how my eyes water. I just can't believe I want something so bad it's hard to give it up. No wonder God won't give me this desire! God continually forgives me for my failures...There's no better way to put it: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26).
3. I have learned how to be disciplined in food & exercise. This one is actually a pretty big deal if anyone knows me and my story. I didn't learn how to cook until I was married! Poor Kevin! But going from never exercising to faithfully going to the gym 2-3 times a week has been a major lifestyle modification for us! And amazingly, I love it! Kevin goes and does weights and I spend an hour doing zumba. The first twenty minutes is always the hardest, with me breathing hard and getting lightheaded as I jump up and down and do the cha-cha...but after I push through that, it feels so good I don't ever want it to stop! Those feel-good chemicals really do a lot to boost my enthusiasm for exercise! Kev and I have been eating organic chicken and wild salmon as our usual proteins. We integrate a lot of vegetables and fruits. And when we eat out, we are usually limited to: sushi, Panera Bread, Corner Bakery, or Chipotle. It's unfortunate that eating healthy costs a lot more but it's worth it in the long run, honestly. I have PCOS and Kevin has high cholesterol so we need to fix it while we're young! We actually just purchased a $29 groupon deal for 15 Crossfit classes so hopefully in the next month and a half we can lose more weight since we will be involved with that. I was also looking into more weight management meal plans for PCOS and the most popular ones I've learned about are a Low-GI diet and a Low-Amylose diet. I may try the Low-Amylose diet soon...but it's kinda overwhelming because I went from eating super unhealthy to now very limited choices. I wish that exercise fixed everything but eating and buying groceries and making sure they don't spoil is kind of a hassle!
In the end, God is good and loving and faithful. And He remembers His people and listens to their prayers. I read about the Persistent Widow in Luke 18 and have been very persistent in praying for a future little Leigh or Kevin Jr. and hope that God will grant me that request and plea. More recently though, I have also meant it when I say, "Even if you don't...that's okay...whatever You want." Kevin and I have been talking about doing a short-term missions trip to Mexico next summer too! And of course, there is the wonderful world of adoption! We'll see what God does these next few years...
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