Tonight I was on the couch with my husband, venting about how I feel like I am so strapped on time, and that for nine months out of the year in 2017 I felt like it had been wasted. For nine months all I did was vomit, feel dizzy, struggle to walk and do daily activities. I dropped out of school when I wanted to pursue a graduate degree. I lost nine months bonding and spending time with Evangeline, because I was too sick to play or bond with her. For nine months, I barely socialized and missed my friends. 2017 was full of doctor appointments, tears and me struggling to trust God.
I said to Kevin, "I feel like I lost 9 months doing nothing!"
He responded, "Leigh, you spent most of the year making a baby!"
Defeated, I muttered, "Yeah...but I also lost a baby."
There are times when I feel like I'm being punished or forgotten by God, all because life didn't happen the way I wanted. I struggle because while I prayed for pregnancy and a safe delivery, I just was not aware of how much the pain and suffering would affect me. It would hurt my body, my spirit, and my heart. I feel like all I wanted in life was to become a mom, yet I wasn't aware of the cost. There is something so sobering about looking forward to new life, only to have the danger of death looming over you. I had such a hard time with Evangeline, and then with Elianna. Would I do it all over again? Yep! In a heartbeat. But I wish I wasn't as naive. I wish I didn't believe the lie that because one time was hard, the next time would be easier. I wish that through it all, I had been a more faithful servant of God. I wish I could have said, "God delivered me through the hard time with Evangeline's pregnancy and birth and NICU stay, and He will do the same for this child." But I didn't. I complained and I was bitter and if it were to happen a third time, I would probably forget about how much He loves me. I would think to myself multiple times, I can't believe I'm going through another tough pregnancy again. It was hard enough with Evangeline. I don't deserve this!
I'm amazed at how easy it is for me to forget and for me to grumble when things don't go my way. And maybe that's why He uses motherhood as a megaphone to call me back to Him. He humbles me, and He draws me closer through my failures and weakness. I feel like I have changed so much as a person because of becoming a mom...never in my life have I experienced so much fear, anxiety, and helplessness. If God calls me to trust Him, then I am needing to ask for His help every single moment of the day because man, these days are tough. And yet I feel so thankful because I wouldn't have it any other way. God has blessed me with such beautiful girls, whom I cherish in a completely different way due to their difficult deliveries. I am so thankful for time with them, because I know what could've happened otherwise. In the story that God wrote for me, the story could've been this: Evangeline did not survive in NICU. I miscarried Elianna and her twin altogether. Just writing out those words make my heart beat faster with pain and sadness. The what coulda-been's can get you. They can make you feel like you were cheated. But it can also make you thankful for the things you didn't deserve. For the grace that God has showered on you.
Kevin is right. I did not waste 2017. The Lord taught me so much about how faithful He is, and how He will never leave my side. One of the ways I've been blessed the most was through my church family. Previously called South Bay Christian Alliance Church in Long Beach, CA, we just recently went through a name change and are now called "Pillar Bible Church."
When I was pregnant, a dear friend of mine who goes to the same church asked for donations for tissue boxes. I had a rare pregnancy symptom of salivating uncontrollably to the point of vomiting (it's called 'ptyalism'...) It was disgusting, and I would spit into tissues almost every minute. I would even go through 10 boxes of tissues a day! Kevin was always embarrassed going to the grocery store. Anyhow, my friend showed up at my door with 73 boxes of tissues as well as a $250 gift card at our local Albertson's. Two weeks later, he came to visit and was shocked to see I had used up all of the tissues. "It didn't even make a difference!" he laughed with another friend.
But it made a huge difference. I was so touched by how much he cared, and how serving the church was through the kind gesture.
Another thing that my local church did to bless me was throw me a surprise baby shower. I did not have a baby shower for Elianna due to the stress of not knowing when she would come out, and I also just had a super messy house and did not want anyone to see it. My best friend even said to me, "No worries girl, I'm not judging you, but I gotta be honest..your house looks like hoarders with all the tissues everywhere!" Anyways, I got a lot of diapers and baby wipes on a rare Sunday where I felt healthy enough to go.
The Lord is so good to provide me reminders that He loved me and cares for me and my girls. Thankful to God for the ways He loves me through His Son dying on the cross for my sins, and how the local body has served me in perhaps what has been the most trying times of my life.
I said to Kevin, "I feel like I lost 9 months doing nothing!"
He responded, "Leigh, you spent most of the year making a baby!"
Defeated, I muttered, "Yeah...but I also lost a baby."
There are times when I feel like I'm being punished or forgotten by God, all because life didn't happen the way I wanted. I struggle because while I prayed for pregnancy and a safe delivery, I just was not aware of how much the pain and suffering would affect me. It would hurt my body, my spirit, and my heart. I feel like all I wanted in life was to become a mom, yet I wasn't aware of the cost. There is something so sobering about looking forward to new life, only to have the danger of death looming over you. I had such a hard time with Evangeline, and then with Elianna. Would I do it all over again? Yep! In a heartbeat. But I wish I wasn't as naive. I wish I didn't believe the lie that because one time was hard, the next time would be easier. I wish that through it all, I had been a more faithful servant of God. I wish I could have said, "God delivered me through the hard time with Evangeline's pregnancy and birth and NICU stay, and He will do the same for this child." But I didn't. I complained and I was bitter and if it were to happen a third time, I would probably forget about how much He loves me. I would think to myself multiple times, I can't believe I'm going through another tough pregnancy again. It was hard enough with Evangeline. I don't deserve this!
I'm amazed at how easy it is for me to forget and for me to grumble when things don't go my way. And maybe that's why He uses motherhood as a megaphone to call me back to Him. He humbles me, and He draws me closer through my failures and weakness. I feel like I have changed so much as a person because of becoming a mom...never in my life have I experienced so much fear, anxiety, and helplessness. If God calls me to trust Him, then I am needing to ask for His help every single moment of the day because man, these days are tough. And yet I feel so thankful because I wouldn't have it any other way. God has blessed me with such beautiful girls, whom I cherish in a completely different way due to their difficult deliveries. I am so thankful for time with them, because I know what could've happened otherwise. In the story that God wrote for me, the story could've been this: Evangeline did not survive in NICU. I miscarried Elianna and her twin altogether. Just writing out those words make my heart beat faster with pain and sadness. The what coulda-been's can get you. They can make you feel like you were cheated. But it can also make you thankful for the things you didn't deserve. For the grace that God has showered on you.
Kevin is right. I did not waste 2017. The Lord taught me so much about how faithful He is, and how He will never leave my side. One of the ways I've been blessed the most was through my church family. Previously called South Bay Christian Alliance Church in Long Beach, CA, we just recently went through a name change and are now called "Pillar Bible Church."
When I was pregnant, a dear friend of mine who goes to the same church asked for donations for tissue boxes. I had a rare pregnancy symptom of salivating uncontrollably to the point of vomiting (it's called 'ptyalism'...) It was disgusting, and I would spit into tissues almost every minute. I would even go through 10 boxes of tissues a day! Kevin was always embarrassed going to the grocery store. Anyhow, my friend showed up at my door with 73 boxes of tissues as well as a $250 gift card at our local Albertson's. Two weeks later, he came to visit and was shocked to see I had used up all of the tissues. "It didn't even make a difference!" he laughed with another friend.
But it made a huge difference. I was so touched by how much he cared, and how serving the church was through the kind gesture.
Another thing that my local church did to bless me was throw me a surprise baby shower. I did not have a baby shower for Elianna due to the stress of not knowing when she would come out, and I also just had a super messy house and did not want anyone to see it. My best friend even said to me, "No worries girl, I'm not judging you, but I gotta be honest..your house looks like hoarders with all the tissues everywhere!" Anyways, I got a lot of diapers and baby wipes on a rare Sunday where I felt healthy enough to go.
The Lord is so good to provide me reminders that He loved me and cares for me and my girls. Thankful to God for the ways He loves me through His Son dying on the cross for my sins, and how the local body has served me in perhaps what has been the most trying times of my life.
God was my constant companion during this pregnancy...along with these tissues.
Evangeline got excited building a castle with the boxes!
At church, so thankful for the ways my church family loves us and our family.
And to think, for 9 months I was baking this beautiful girl inside of my womb! So thankful for our baby Elianna Praise!
My two biggest blessings and means of sanctification.
Thank you, Lord.
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