Pregnancy Update

I think it's been hitting me more often that I'm gonna be giving birth soon (I'm currently 32 weeks..5 more weeks left til my scheduled c-section!) The baby inside of us is so much bigger than when Evangeline was delivered, and this babe's been kicking and rolling and making waves across my tummy. It's almost like having an alien inside and to be honest, it kind of weird haha!

Before I deliver I just want to make a list of the highlights and lows of this pregnancy, and I think it would be nice to focus on the good before the bad: 

• Stronger Bond with Kevin: Honestly, this pregnancy tested me so much with how much my body and my heart could handle. But through it all, Kevin was there loving on me, showing compassion and serving me without ever complaining. His kindness and love never cease to surprise me. I know once Baby #2 is here, it will only manifest more ways God has blessed me with such a sweet partner for life.
• Evangeline bonding with Kevin & prepping for new baby: Before I got pregnant and became really sick, Evangeline had me at her side for 2 years straight catering to her every whim. Because the first 17 weeks of pregnancy I would vomit up to 3-4 times a day and was super dizzy all the time, Evangeline learned to depend more on daddy and they now have their own jokes and special play time at the end of the day! We also keep reminding her she's going to be a big sister, and every night she kisses my tummy and says, "Night Na-Na!" which is her nickname for baby girl. 
• Steady weight: This may seeem inconsequential, but I lost 10 lbs the first trimester bc of how often I vomited and hated food. But it actually worked to my benefit because now at 32 weeks, I've only gained 3-4 pounds this entire pregnancy. Since I was already overweight when I got pregnant, it was important I didn't gain too much weight bc it would make healing much more difficult when I delivered. And for me, healing after Evangeline took a long time so I want to be able to make this as easy as possible. 
• Seeing my mom more: Every morning my mom comes over and feeds us bc I can't stand the smells of cooking in the house. I usually don't get to see her often because she works so much, but it means a lot to me that she sacrifices time to serve me and Evangeline during this season.

And now to transition to the lows of this pregnancy...

For the first 17 weeks, I was constantly throwing up, sometimes 4 times a day and I was so sick and could barely hold anything in. Each time I got up, I would be dizzy and I just felt like a zombie, I would constantly ask my doctor why I was so sick compared to when I was pregnant with Evangeline. I didn't accept visitors because when I did, I would end up vomiting and getting embarassed. The house was so messy because I couldn't clean it as well as I wanted, and I couldn't go to church because riding in a car would make me motion sick and being around so many people with so many different scents would make me vomit.  On March 2, 2017, we had an appointment to go to the doctor and get another check up because I had been spotting and having a tiny bit of tummy pain. I didn't worry too much because I had that with Evangeline too.

It turns out, I should have worried. I was going through a miscarriage.

What we didn't know was that there were TWO embryos inside of me.

One didn’t make it.

Kevin and I just sat there in shock, we didn't even know we were having twins! And I didn't realize it at the time, but my face was wet, because I had been crying and just too much in shock to even realize it. "Oh honey, don't cry, let's just focus on the healthy one with a nice beating heart!" The ultrasound tech turned the screen toward me, and there were my two babies. One was bigger with a flickering heartbeat, but there was a small one on the right, no heartbeat, and I could not tear my eyes away from that one. It was so strange, how could I be miscarrying yet still pregnant?! My doctor said now it made more sense why I was so sick. My body was producing double the hormones to try and provide enough for both babies, but my body wouldn’t register I only had one living until the other twin was resorbed. (My body wouldn’t realize this until 17 weeks of pregnancy. When I stopped throwing up so much, I told Kevin, “The other twin is gone now.”)

After we asked our questions and were reassured the surviving twin would be safe and healthy  from this point on, and that I'd start getting my weekly hormone shots in second trimester to keep her inside and prevent preterm labor, we went home. We were silent, heartbroken, and terrified of the future for the surviving twin. I would ask Kevin how he was doing, and he would say, "I am just trying to focus on the surviving twin, and count our blessings with that one." For the next few weeks we would listen to Ed Sheeran's "Small Bump" song on repeat, which is a song about miscarriage, and I would find myself randomly crying and wondering what it would be like to meet my baby in heaven one day. I mentioned earlier that we found out we miscarried on March 2, 2017 because that was the day before our 5 year marriage anniversary. The next day we didn't celebrate our anniversary. I still vividly remember just lying in bed with Kevin as Evangeline napped in her room, and just staring at the ceiling. We were both quiet, but we knew what we were thinking of: our angel baby.

To this day I don't think we've fully processed this news. We had to keep going forward with all our high risk appointments and taking care of Evangeline. All I can find comfort in is God's sovereignty: "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!" -Job 1:21

That was by far the saddest part of this pregnancy, but not the scariest. Here are the other two struggles we've had:

• Gestational Diabetes: Women with PCOS have higher chances of miscarriage, preterm delivery, and having gestational diabetes. I fit ALL 3 PCOS statistics! All the high risk doc's that have taken care of me ask me if I had GD with Evangeline and I'm like "I don't know, the day I was supposed to do the glucose test, she came out at 26 weeks!" So chances are, I would have had it with her too. Having GD isn't the worst thing, but it's a huge inconvenience to give myself insulin injections every day, along with my weekly IM progesterone injection on my boo-tay. I look forward to not having so many needles poke my body after this baby is born. 

• Potential Placenta Accreta: A week ago, my doctor told me that he wasn't sure if this was a for sure thing, but to be ready on the day of delivery if I ended up having placenta accreta. Placenta accreta is a serious complication for women who have had previous c-sections or surgery on their uterus (like removing polyps or fibroids!) What ends up happening is that IF the placenta grows on the scar, it can sometimes implant itself on the scar, making it difficult to remove from the uterus on the day of delivery. In some cases, it can cause hemorrhaging in a woman. And in the worst case scenarios, it can cause death for the baby and the mother. My doctor basically told me that if I hemorrhaged on the day of delivery, he would have to perform a hysterectomy on me in order to save our lives. Kevin and I were like !!!!!!! We thought the worst had already passed with losing the other baby! I immediately went online and read all these stories of women who had lost their lives and their babies and just all these bad stories and freaked out immediately. I asked a lot of people if they knew anyone with placenta accreta and no one knew anyone! And the one person who did know someone through Instagram, their baby DIED in NICU! I was overwhelmed, terrified, and discouraged. I do NOT want my baby or me to die. And let's be real, of course I'll be fine if they take my uterus, but I don't want a hysterectomy at this young age! I'm not even 30! I just could not believe after all the things I had gone through with Evangeline, and this current baby, it still managed to surrpise us with this horrible prospect. 

Needless to say, this pregnancy has tested me in ways physically and emotionally that I would have never expected...pregnancy is not easy on this body of mine.

Before this blog post ends, here are some pics to share our pregnancy experience:

My sweet girl with her announcement pic at Disneyland!

Two sacs...on the left is Evangeline's sister, and the right is our angel baby. 

 A few photos at our maternity shoot at 26 weeks...I love these photos so much (thanks again Jason ;)! I felt so energetic and things just started turning around in second trimester.

Celebrating Evangeline's 3rd annual NICU reunion!

I'll end with this pic right here. This happened a week ago at 31 weeks. I was experiencing contractions numerous times in an hour and called my doc. Since I have a medical history with preterm labor, they wanted me to go in and get checked just in case. Thankfully it was a false alarm! I was a HOT MESS. I think this picture is an accurate representation of how I was the majority of this pregnancy to be honest!

In the end, the Lord is good and has been faithful to take care of Evangeline and me this entire time. I am not going to pretend like I have it all together, have been super trusting and joyful in my circumstances. I have struggled with fear, anxiety, bitterness, and depression. I am a work in progress, and the Lord is still sanctifying me. It's a struggle because I also know that I am super blessed. I have a LOT to be thankful for. I have my firstborn still here with me. She is getting healthier and is such a joy to raise. I not only love with her with every fiber of my being, but I genuinely LIKE her. I think she's hilarious as a person. Experiencing a miscarriage was heartbreaking...we shared it with close family and friends so they could pray for us. But praise the Lord, because one day we will see our angel baby again when we see Jesus face to face in heaven. And technically...while it hasn't been easy, I asked for this. Kevin and I prayed for another daughter, and He answered our prayers. I always like to say, "yeah the Lord has answered our deep heartfelt prayers...but never in the WAY we expect!" So if having a high-risk, uncomfortable and painful pregnancy is what it takes to meet my second daughter, so be it. I know she will be worth it.

"For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully

and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows this very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there were none of them."

-Psalm 139: 13-16

For those of you asking how you can serve our family...Please just pray for us. Pray for divine protection over baby #2 and for me...delivery day and post-partum healing are our biggest concerns at the moment. And a lot of people are asking if we plan on doing a baby shower. At the moment, our plan is to do a Welcome Home Shower a few weeks after baby arrives.