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Special Needs & Parenting

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection."
-Anaiis Nin

It's been a few months since I lasted updated this blog. I was talking to a friend a few days ago, and she said "I actually was stalking you through a mutual friend and loved your blog before I met you in person! Your birth story about Evangeline made me cry!"

She asked me why I stopped blogging and I honestly didn't know. I think so much has happened these past two years and maybe I just didn't want to record it because I was overwhelmed by it all. Too many things happened. And maybe it was a delayed reaction, but I think the premature birth and long-term consequences of Evangeline's fragile immunity has caused me to shrink back and waddle in doubt and despair. I can be easily overcome by intense emotions such as anger and irritation, and I'll be the first to admit it (thank God for His grace, I am truly a work in progress!) But to be face-to-face with my newfound struggles of depression and anxiety and worry? I don't know how to react to it. So I clam up and I keep it in before I speak. I am a fairly extroverted and bubbly person, and when I love and like you, I make it VERY well-known. I have always  been an open book, and fairly transparent. But how do I talk about something that makes me uncomfortable? How do I articulate a struggle that I can't even come to terms with? When Evangeline is in the ER, or choking, and I call out to God, how do I explain that to somebody who hasn't gone through that?

Writing is interesting because it captures the moment, and I write out of the overflow of my heart. Ever since I've become a mother, and as I get older, what I find is that I'm actually forgetting a lot about my past. I can recall small glimpses but not in depth. Today I went back on my blog and my last post was in April! That's seven months ago. I forgot what I wrote about Evangeline going to the ER. I mean, I remember she went, but I think my memory erases a lot of the details to protect me from becoming overwhelmed with those scary times. Because her going to the ER can be a common thing, at least once a year in the future. Why would I say that? Because she has a weaker immunity than most children. In fact, I also say that because she actually went back to the ER last month in September, and it was for ANOTHER diagnosis of pneumonia. If she gets another diagnosis of pneumonia this year, we are going to bring her to get some tests done to make sure she doesn't have aspiration pneumonia, but we will tackle that hurdle once we get there.

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and am surprised at who I've become. God has given me new lessons and I've failed quite a bit of them. He humbles me by keeping me on my toes, and keeping me reliant on His grace. In my weakness, His power is made perfect, after all. When Kevin and I look back at pictures before Evangeline, we can't help but notice how much younger we looked! We often meet strangers and ask them now how old we look, and it's almost a given that people will say "You guys look like you're mid-thirties." And then I freak out and say, "Ex-squeeze me?! We are only 28!" Kevin starts laughing and says "It's because I'm balding!" Ok, that's true, he is balding, but I'm NOT!
We laugh and stare at each other and I am so thankful for him. I wouldn't want to grow old with anybody else. And I wouldn't want to go through struggles with anybody else either. Having a child with special needs can do something to a parent, change them, and age them. I feel like I've aged a lot just because of the stress, worry, and anxiety I've faced and continue to face. But the Lord is faithful. And I need to keep clinging to that truth because if I don't, then it will make this journey a lot harder than it needs to be.

If Evangeline were born as a full-term baby, her second birthday would've been this month. October is a bittersweet month because of it. Time is flying by too fast, honestly.




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